The 19th Loft

This pandemic took a major toll on our financial, emotional & physical aspects of our lives. It was something that none of us expected & for someone who likes to plan out her whole year beforehand, I hadn’t prepared myself for this unexpected twist which to my surprise turned out to be the most life changing twist of my entire life. I had just turned 19 when the lockdown system was laid down. I knew that this year is not going to be an easy one (none of my years were easy, let’s be mfkn honest there!). However as someone who loves to spend most of her times staying in, this system didn’t baffle me much. Until it went on for months, where it started to bother me to the levels where I took some actions which were quite opposite to my original character. It felt like I gave birth to whole new personality, a personality that was almost “charmingly self-sabotaging”. Charming because it taught me things that helped to be a better version of myself which you guys are witnessing in the present. Self-sabotaging because overdoing any action has its own downfall. Being 19 can be emotionally heavy & pandemic made it worse. During this stance, I encountered certain situations where people, that I trusted the most, had betrayed me brutally. These situations come under different categories so coming out of it gave me a clear idea as to how & in what way should I deal with them in future. Something I didn’t know in the past. Over the years, I had grown to be an overly sensitive & short-tempered person. But despite that, I used to handle most of the situations quite maturely. In friendships, I tried to settle things by apologizing even when I knew it wasn’t my fault. Simply did it to save the friendship. But sometimes being the bigger person can harm your health adversely. It makes you question your entire existence, your values & ethics. I learnt quite a few things here. Never ever apologize if it isn’t your fault. You will know it’s not your fault when your intuitions say it. Trust your intuitions. They’re your life-long buddies. There’s a fine line between ego & self-dignity. Lose your ego but never lose your self-dignity. Because if you lose that, you will start losing yourself in the spiral. And as you all know, people who don’t have your best interest at heart, will surely drain out all your energy when you’re at a vulnerable position in your life. It took me a while to realize as to why felt lost, it’s because I had lost my self-respect. Trying to save something that wasn’t healthy in the first place. But when I realized that, cutting off felt like a right thing. My gut suggested it! And it turned out to be the best, for reals!!! I started to heal from the trauma & pain. But it wasn’t an easy journey. I was frustrated how slow the recovery phase was. But that’s what it is about. Not rushing into things, just slowing feeling every emotion & learning to heal it with time. Recovery takes time. It requires utmost patience, strength & determination. You can’t just give up halfway through. Because the end result is so worthy! Trust me on that. Throughout this chaos, I noticed that under my sensitive nature, I had a strong & resilient person who can fight any situation without going off track. And hence I decided to adapt it completely which I should’ve done way before but it’s never too late to embrace change & have a healthy lifestyle. Learn to let go toxicity from within & that’s around you. Only then you shall grow & help others to grow along with you. When it came to relationship, accepting less than what I had expected is something I followed for I don’t know how many months. Because I failed to recognize my worth. And when you fail to do so, you can’t expect people to value you. People will view you the way you think about yourself. For months, I allowed people to treat me churlishly to the point I romanticized it because my mind told that the love I expected was unachievable & the one that I’m receiving right now is reality & that’s how it’ll always be. Having high standards felt like a crime when the standards were just about having a good character & someone which great morals. That is bare minimum. But the people I met made it seem like something that can only happen in fiction. I sometimes laugh how I allowed people with such shallow minds & action to enter my life & use my time & energy when that is something I wouldn’t allow at the current phase of my life. I despise that. I was so blinded by the negativity back then, that by the time I realized the damage it had caused, I had already lost 90% of myself. I just had 10% left in me to build what I had lost. Cutting off all the unnecessary people who had done me wrong, people who had a foul mindset & people who were bad not only for me but also for the people I care about, is a mantra that I still follow. Apart from these lessons, I also learnt that taking break from work, social life & family just to heal yourself is much needed. You don’t need to justify in order to prioritize yourself. Choosing yourself over everyone in your life will help you in a long run to grow sustainably. The less fucks you will give, the more happily you will live. Something’s bothering you? Cut off & move on. Thinking too much about something that isn’t primarily connected you isn’t worth your time. Know your worth & you will fuckin’ shine like a shooting star. I’m eternally grateful for 19 because it helped me gain knowledge about the real harsh world & how to face it without breaking into pieces. Currently, I’m 20 & I’m proud of the way I handle every situation & it keeps on getting better because of the people I surround myself with. Zen Roma is right on her way!